I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
