My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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