No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
