Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
