the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
