I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
