Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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