oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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