Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
