Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
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He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
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Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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