My sheets look like a crime scene.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
