I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
two words: eviction party
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
