two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
