bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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