Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
