how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
