im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
