So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
