I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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