I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
