i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
