Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
