Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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