a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
