Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
