She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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