I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We left the knife in your bed.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
