I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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