You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
