Please, let me fuck your mom
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
