Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
