i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
