Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
