I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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