My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Randomize
