i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
