I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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