I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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