3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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