She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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