not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
