i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
