also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I have post one night stand depression
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
