This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
