So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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