I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
