I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
