that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
