I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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