Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
