Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
