Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You made out with two different species that night
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
