I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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