Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
