i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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