I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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