I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
