now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
