saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Your dad touched me again.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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