listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
