Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?